Holding space, for myself

After many years I was able to travel to the Netherlands last week. On my to-do list was visiting the cemetery where my dad is buried. This visit was driven by practicality and not emotions as I have noting with cemeteries. The distance from here to heaven is the same as at the cemetery, so in my book I can talk to a deceased person everywhere.

In the Netherlands a cemetery plot is leased for a certain time period, most of the times with the option to renew the lease for another 10 years or so. With my mom being dead and my stepdad in a nursing home with dementia I had no idea if they had tried to contact us and if the grave was still there and if it was there, in what kind of condition it would be. My purpose of that visit was figuring this out and take action as needed.

The cemetery is a historical protected side and beautiful. It is in the middle of a busy town, with new construction around it. A brick wall al around it and a cast iron gate to enter. When I walk into it, the first thing I noticed was the quiet and serenity of the place. The only sound I could hear was the sound of birds.

I remembered right away how to walk to my dad's grave and as I made my way to it, I admired and looked at some of the very old, sometimes very elaborate grave markers.

I realized that I was holding my breath when I got closer and let it out when I got close enough to realize the grave was still there and other that a lot of weeds was still in a descend shape. And then it hit me, I got goosebumps on my arms and was overwhelmed with emotions, on the brink of crying. I reached down to pull some of the weeds and thought, ok I am done here, I know what I needed to know and started walking towards the exit it. When I looked over the wall at the east side, I saw the house we lived in during the time my dad was still alive.

And I got curious, trying to understand what was happening with me. What triggered those emotions? Was it because I met the night before with cousins and we reminisced? Was there still after all those years unresolved issues, grief not expressed, sorrow not acknowledged? So, I decided to hold space for myself, just being there for myself, allowing myself to just feel. Not to evaluate or try to explain, just let happen what needed to happen. Tears flowed and I felt emotions foreign to me. After a while I felt a change and by the time, I left I felt whatever it was, it felt was good, I felt good. I took my time and walk out.

Take away; time is not relevant, its ok to feel and grieve after 54 years. A cemetery can be a place of beauty, history and personal connection or just a place that doesn't do it for you.

What's left for me to do is to contact the cemetery and make sure they have a way to contact me in the future and hire someone to take care of the grave at least once a year.